Delfina Ure "I never stopped believing I could heal and now I'm PTSD free!"
Tell us a little about yourself. I’m Delfina Ure, I’m a daughter, sister, friend, and glitter connoisseur. I became a survivor when I was 8 years old and it took me 20 years to tell my story. When I finally did, my abuser sued me to keep me quiet, but I won! Now I’ve gone on to make a full recovery from childhood sexual abuse by the power of God in my life. I was baptized at 30 years old and within a few months I was 100% PTSD free and I stopped feeling disgusting and stopped wanting to die. Now I work with survivors through our non-profit, I empower young girls to find their voice through my music teaching program, and I’m using my music and story to make a difference in people’s lives.
What was life like before trauma? I was loud, bossy, fearless, and innocent.
What was life like after trauma? After trauma I became extremely shy, sensitive, withdrawn, and super self conscious. When I was 12 I became suicidal and this lasted until I was 30 years old. At one point I developed a mysterious tumor on my face that would go up and down with stress. When I told my story the first time it went away almost completely, but when I got baptized it disappeared and has never come back.
How would you describe your process/stages of healing? I tried to "heal myself sexually” for a long time, trying to normalize my sex-life. I thought this was going to heal me. I thought that if I could just be “normal" in bed, or fearless, or trigger free, or whatever that I would be healed. I got really good at managing my PTSD and triggers, like I was an expert or something, but the weight of my life was still SO heavy, and I still just wanted relief from having to carry the burden of my life. I started smoking weed very heavily and was drinking at night to relax. But even with being able to take the edge off my life felt empty and meaningless. I thought I would always have an ugly black stain on my life no matter what I did or how good I got at healing. Then one day a friend sent me a podcast, a sermon from a church preacher, and he taught that total freedom is totally possible with Jesus. I had totally forgotten about God and Jesus, even though I’d grown up Catholic. I started going to church and hearing the “word of God” spoken or preached felt like a brand new language to me, but I desperately wanted to learn it. One day I finally said out loud, “JESUS PLEASE FIX MY LIFE!” I was so angry. I was beating my chest in the kitchen sobbing angrily. And from that moment on, EVERYTHING changed. I can’t explain “what exactly” happened to make everything change, but that’s the magic about Jesus. I felt my pain being transformed and eventually every single PTSD symptom I had disappeared completely. My friends can’t even believe I don’t have PTSD. They laugh because they seriously don’t recognize the new me, the one without phobias, ocds, triggers, anger, despair, dysmorphia, addiction, and the list goes on and on. I am completely healed!
Where are you at in your healing journey? I am completely healed. I’m not a survivor anymore.
What has been the biggest breakthrough in your recovery? What has been the biggest breakthrough in your self-love? Realizing that what happened to me wasn’t my fault was HUGE. It just sort of “clicked” one day when I went to a prayer meeting and a memory came back that helped me see things differently. i remembered that my dad told me I was beautiful and made me feel beautiful when he abused me. I didn't realize but because my dad told me I was beautiful in that way it made me hate myself and the way I looked. I did everything I could to control my appearance and how people saw me on the outside. At times I would even try to control men through my looks or seduction because it made me feel safe and in control of the trauma. But that all changed when I realized that so much of my self-hatred and pain was coming out of the lie that my beauty or looks had caused my trauma. Realizing this set me free from thinking about how people saw me, and it was like I could finally 'come home' to my own body. All my dysmorphia left shortly after.
What does “completely healed” look like to you?
Completely healed means NO triggers, NO trauma ptsd, NO phobias, NO rage, NO hatred, NO despair, NO dysmorphia or medical mysteries or digestive issues or eating disorders or addictions. That's 100% my reality after handing my life over to Jesus! I am free!!
Does forgiveness play a part in your story? Who have you had to forgive?
YES! I had to forgive myself for liking the attention of being abused. Every little girl wants a daddy, even if daddy is hurting you. Blek, I had to forgive myself for liking being abused, I had to forgive myself and my body for enjoying all of the perverse pleasure that my abuser was causing in me, and for even craving that familiar, perverse attention from men later. It wasn't my fault that as a young girl my body was wired to react to touch, or that as a little girl I craved my dad's attention. I had to forgive myself for these things, and then forgive myself for the choices I made sexually in response to trauma. Committing to a lifestyle of purity really healed me of all of this. I even felt at one point in my walk of faith that God gave me back my virginity that was stolen from me. That was a really powerful day and such a special gift to get back. Now I'm committed to waiting to give myself as a gift to my husband on our wedding night.
What advice would you give a survivor going through trauma right now?
Keep believing there’s a purpose in your life. And when you’re ready to let someone back into your life, let Jesus in. He’s never hurt a woman, he’s only healed them.
What would you like other people to know about your story?
I’ve forgiven my dad. I told him to his face and by text and it was really important for my healing journey to have done this. We don't have a relationship now because he is still in denial about what he did, but someday I hope he will have the courage to be honest with himself about what he did to me and work to repair our family. If Jesus could heal me completely from what my dad did to me, I believe Jesus can radically heal and convert my dad into the person he was always meant to be.
What is your . . .
Love language: cash (LOL) and words of affirmation
Self-care routine: eat, sleep, workout, tithe, and observe the sabbath
Self-love splurge: Urban Remedy matcha bars from Whole Foods.
Best compliment you get: You are beautiful. :) You have a nice voice. You’re really loud.
Most said prayer: God make my dad confess. God heal the children. God heal every single survivor out there like you healed me. God please make sure my husband is hot and holy.
A dream in your heart: To be president of the United States.
Idea of the perfect day: The day every survivor comes to Christ, including my dad
Time or place you feel the most safe: driving in my car.
Favorite quote: "With great power comes great responsibility" (Spiderman) / and “The son of man did not come to be served but to serve.” (Matthew 20:27)
Secret wish: to be a Disney princess.